Monday, July 3, 2017

The Transition Phase

I took my time to post this because I wanna be superly sure about how and what I feel now. This transition is kinda a big change for myself, hence I wanna share and document it here in my blog, when I thought the previous post will be my last post ever.

Dulu, I kurang faham bila orang cakap (especially bila yang cakap tu perempuan yang dah nak kahwin):-

"I tak ready nak tinggalkan my single life for marriage"

Hello. Marriage is a privilege kot. It's a sunnah. Untunglah dah ada suami pastu nanti dapat anak rasa complete hidup yada yada. What more bila perempuan kahwin awal, anak da besar nanti boleh jadi kawan. And I know I read somewhere antara tanda perempuan yang diberkati ialah kahwin awal. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Tapi itu dulu la. Pengalaman putus tunang tahun 2015 mengajar aku banyak benda. Kekuatan iman, kesabaran. Dendam yang tak pernah ada jadi ada. Perangai yang tak pernah ada jadi ada. Keinginan yang tak pernah ada jadi ada. Nak try smoking. Nak bukak tudung pergi clubbing. Orang bagi nasihat suruh bersyukur benda jadi sebelum kahwin pun rasa nak marah. Macam-macam. Rapuhnya iman. Don't get me started. Aku boleh bercerita non-stop. Koyak lukanya terlalu dalam. Apatah lagi bila takde proper closure. Ini bukan couple tau. Tunang. Another one step to marriage that I have been preparing myself for since my early 20s. Tunang dah melibatkan family. Apatah lagi bila pihak satu lagi yang effort lebih nak cepatkan perkahwinan bagai and yet cepat juga dia berlalu pergi (takde gaduh pun) dan mendapat pengganti. And when I asked what I did wrong he pushed me away and told me to figure myself out. Yes, don't get me started. Sebab sampai sekarang aku takde jawapan. Sampai sekarang aku tak faham apa yang jadi sebenarnya. Cuma yang aku faham sekarang nie hati manusia cepat berubah. Melangkaui janji dirinya sendiri. Aku cuba percaya dia dah buat sehabis baik. Again, don't get me started.

Aku berusaha selamatkan keadaan. Sayang is one thing. Commitment is another thing. Tapi lagi aku cuba, lagi teruk jadinya. Tak nak jumpa, kene block even by his family. Percubaan memujuk dan discuss melalui phone diakhiri dengan aku kene loudspeaker olehnya di hadapan kawan-kawannya. Pergh. What an experience. Sakit. Malu. Maruah aku dan keluarga bagai dicampak-campak. Keyakinan diri aku jatuh di tempat paling bawah. Sampai sekarang aku tak tahu apa salah aku. I must have been done something terrible that makes me deserve the experience. I have been told that I should be taking it easy coz nothing can challenge Allah's decree. Definitely I learned it through the hard way.

Aku percaya Allah tak kejam. Walaupun usaha aku nak selamatkan 'kami' tak jadi, aku berusaha selamatkan diri aku. Traveling, diving, running, hiking are some of the activities I do to pick up my own pieces. Almost every weekend full schedule. Non-stop. Orang lain tengok aku pun penat. Duit pun banyak habis. Tapi aku lagi rela melayan penat fizikal dari penat melayan emosi. Aku salute orang yang boleh tak melayan perasaan sangat nie. Korang memang kuat. I wonder how you girls do it. I even tried to get into new relationship sebab orang nasihatkan I that's one of the ways to move on. Few trials done but nothing work out. Siap melanggar prinsip diri sendiri buat the first move to confess. I mean, dah pernah koyak teruk so setakat kene reject over early confession apelah sangat. Yang penting I've tried. New experience kot. Nothing to lose kan. Lol. Yang takleh blah bukan sorang, tapi dua suami orang nak try I. Dugaan betul. Yang itu I tak nak try. Mohon dijauhkan.

The struggle was real. Alhamdulillah slowly I have found my peace. I survived my storms. Believe that with every hardship comes ease. Tak dapat apa yang kita nak is not a bad thing after all. Macam-macam lagi I belajar dari pengalaman nie. All praise is due to Allah.

I also learned that people deal with sadness differently. Don't judge. Maybe we can have separate private sharing session if wanna discuss about it.

Moving on, sekarang I da faham maksud enjoying my single life and no more looking forward to involve in any serious relationship whatsoever, even marriage. Because that's how I feel now. And it takes other people to tell me this in order to validate my transition phase (not just one person but a few people):-

"Jeles betul tengok Iynas nie. Setiap weekend ade je aktiviti. Ke sana sini aktif betul. I dulu macam you jugak tapi sejak kahwin nie payah nak lepas. Selagi muda, single dan sihat nie, buat la pape yang you nak buat."

Sebelum nie pun dah ramai orang cakap macam tu kat I, tapi sekarang I lebih faham dan lebih setuju.

Don't get me wrong. I bukan suka nak buat orang jeles dgn my life. Bukan juga nak promote single life is better or anything tp just to sedarkan myself that I should be thankful and grateful with what Allah has planned and decreed for me. He certainly knows the best. I dah boleh terima yang I dah breach my target to get married before reaching 30.

So what I meant with transition phase is that, after long years preparing myself for marriage, I don't give it a d*** anymore. Not for now. Currently busy investing in myself. More relax. No pressure.

Setakat main drama tu adalah. After all life is dull without drama. For me la the drama queen. Not sorry for that.

Yang dah kahwin enjoy cara kahwin. Yang single enjoy cara single. Allah blesses us in different ways. Dugaan pun lain-lain. Allah is fair. I believe in that :)

Saturday, June 25, 2016

The gift and the search of better gifts in the final 10 days of Ramadhan



Today marks the final 10 days! Let's strive and finish strong! 💪💪💪 

If I can push myself in working out physically, surely I can push myself in "working out" my soul and emotional state. Doing so in Ramadhan is the perfect timing. After all, I will always remember your words, 

"Push yourself to the limit! And be patient". 

That's one of many good things that will remind me of you. Good memory remains forever. What more when it does relevantly applicable to many situations. 

And ouh! You first reveal about me to your parents during one of the sahur days in Ramadhan, exactly 60 days after we knew each other. I can still recall how thankful and grateful I was when you told your parents about me and the intention to go to the next level in the holy month. 

I thought I was strong. Allowing someone to occupy my heart had made me realized that I am weak. As much as I want others to be held responsible, at the end of the day it is me who needs to be responsible for my own happiness. Others can agree or annoyingly leave me alone. But this is the process that I have to embrace, accept and deal with. To strengthen my heart again. 

Today, alhamdulillah Allah has made me realized that the ability to missing someone once very dearly to the heart is actually a blessing. 

Thank you Allah for lending me the memorable gift, although just for a while 🙂. I ask from only You Ya Rabb, for better gifts. The best gifts. 

And with the confession, this post shall be my last words about it..

"Indeed I am in absolute need of good things You send to me" - the prayer of Nabi Musa a.s. in Surah Al-Qasas verse 24. 

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Realiti & Mimpi

Pernahkah kau merasakan
Hidup ini seperti mimpi yang panjang
Ingin saja aku keluar darinya
Namun terlindung jalan keluarnya
Gembira, suka, lebih lagi sedih duka
Seakan ditempelak setiap kali leka
Sehingga lemah longlai langkah kakinya
Tanpa jemu dan lelah bangun semula
Ada kala aku seperti dibawa jauh
Jauh dari realiti yang aku mimpikan sendiri
Pernah aku terbaca
Hidup ini ibarat penjara buat yang celik hatinya
Namun jika benar terang jiwanya, kenapa tidak hidup ini dipandang melangkaui tembok penjara?
Sehingga timbul jalan keluarnya
Bila kita betul-betul bersedia
Yang hanya diketahui oleh Yang Maha Esa. 

Monday, April 11, 2016

#setitischeese

People come and go..

But I pray and hope that Allah will protect this 9-years-and-more friendship till Jannah..ameen..


- With Love,
Setitischeese @ Pulau Kapas, 8-10 April 2016 -

Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Lightest

My dream weight. 

Mission accomplished. 

Next is to maintain. 

I think with my cute height, i can go until 48kg. 



Thursday, December 3, 2015

Tinta pena Luh Mahfuz telah lama mengering

Dalam erti kata lain, yakin dengan qada' dan qadar Allah. 


The trip to New Zealand was supposed to be cancelled. Although dah beli tiket since bulan 4 before i knew him. Coz the plan was to get married early next year i.e. 2016. So we need to manage the financial. I had actually received the refund of the trip. 

Takdir Allah yang mengizinkan sama ada sesuatu berlaku ataupun tidak. 

Tak jadi kahwin, proceed with the trip. Alhamdulillah the tour management was very kind enough to receive my last minute payment. 

Sesungguhnya perancangan Allah tu amat cantik. Walaupun ada dugaan my visa almost tak lepas di airport before departure sebab tukar pasport last minute (due to less than 6 months expiry date from the travel date), dan masa nak balik tu i tak check-in lagi even da one hour to the next flight coz flight delayed and i takleh buat website check-in coz of different passport number (thanks to dear friend dan sekumpulan group trip yg menghadapi masalah sama dan sudi terima saya join group check-in anda). Despite of all the challenges, Allah izinkan saya bergumbira sepuasnya di New Zealand dan bertemu orang2 yang sangat baik, tak berkira, full of love, sama2 sengal, open minded that makes the trip superly AWESOME!! 

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. 

Of course, it is not as easy to forget. But Allah has made it easy for me. 

Alhamdulillah. 

I'm smiling, happily. 

Alhamdulillah. 

To the new love :)




I'll share about the trip and more photos sooner or later, insyaAllah.

Saw him yesterday during a funeral. Unintentionally. I felt nothing. 

Alhamdulillah. 

"Semua yang telah ditakdirkan dan dikehendaki Allah pasti terjadi" (Al-Hadith)

Thank you Allah for being so kind to me. Jadikanlah aku dari golongan orang yang bersyukur dan bertaubat. 

Ameen.