"Iynas happy pill semua orang"
"Saya pegang one thing je, saya happy bila dengan awak"
The above were said to me recently when I was at my down point (that's why I ingat). Satu dari perempuan, satu dari lelaki. Guess sendiri la which one said by who. Haha.
Anyway, that's not the point.
Being described as a "social butterfly", "happy-go-lucky", "cheerful" is an honour. Seronok sebenarnya boleh buat orang happy. Tengok orang happy, kite pun happy. Nak pulak bila involve macam-macam aktiviti running, diving, hiking buatkan I kenal ramai orang dan kawan pun bertambah. Circle of friends grows.
I tau semua orang ada struggle masing-masing. So I appreciate bila pegi beraktiviti memana semua orang chill dan happy sebab masa tu la masing-masing nak lupakan masalah masing-masing buat sementara waktu.
Then as we go along, when there's a connection, we become closer. Stories were shared. Friendships and trust were build. So does love.
Without me realizing it, I hold myself responsible for the happiness of my lovely growing circle of friends, especially the ones whom I allow to stay in my heart. And the number is increasing. For those who knew me for quite some time, will know that I will try my very best to make myself available to those in need. I take it as my duty to offer them love, time, ears, encouragement etc just to make them feel better and boost their spirit to endure hardships and sadness in life.
At some point, my energy drains. I know I have to stop and need to rejuvenate myself. But I continue doing my "duty" with the belief that I will be happy in return.
But no. The happiness within me keeps on depleting. Conflicts happened one after another. I lost the ability to resolve the conflicts. I swallow the pain, calm myself to be patient. I'm hurt.
Then there's a guy gave me hope, offered me happiness. I was delighted. I was being extra careful but my heart being so stubborn. "You should try again, give yourself a chance, why not?" says my heart.
As expected, after a while, he came and said "No, I can't do it".
But it was too late. The heart betrayed its own master. I have let myself being hurt again. I have been disrespectful again to myself.
I started to think "Aku nie dihidupkan memang untuk kena game je ke?" "Teruk sangat ke aku nie?" and other worthless thoughts of myself. Oh please don't start on our purpose of life with Allah yada yada.
Koyak. Rabak. Lagi. Teruk.
I started to feel upset and doubt dengan semua orang. Apa yang orang cakap semua tak boleh pakai. Semua sembang. Yes, semua orang. Cukup-cukuplah acah caring pasal aku yada yada.
Just, stop.
I can't forgive myself.
I know I have to let it go to the ears of the people whom I love and trust. I know they will be there by my sides through my ups and downs. I know they will understand. I know. But this one is worse. I'm gonna throw my tantrum. I started to be heartless and selfish. I'll be super annoying. And it's not fair for them. They have been very patient with me all this while.
Dah la disrespecting myself, menyusahkan orang yang I sayang will make me even more angry at myself. I don't need me to feel more worthless of myself.
So before it getting worse and may ruin the friendship coz I will be just another toxic person that absorb other people's energy and time and yada yada, hence I can't forgive myself even more, please, just, stop.
Leave. Me. Alone.
I took drastic actions. I cut off myself and push people away. What I did and how I did it may not be fair and hurt other people as well but I don't care anymore. I need "me time". Just me and myself.
It worked.
It doesn't took me that long. I came back. But only to selected people whom I love unconditionally (well I hope I made the right decision). I took it as a test not only for me to re-filter my environment and surrounding, also vice versa.
I also realized my so-called comeback has been slightly different.
How different?
No more over-love, no more over-available, no more over-"duty".
I need to respect myself. As selfish as it may sound, I am my own happy pill.
"Saya pegang one thing je, saya happy bila dengan awak"
The above were said to me recently when I was at my down point (that's why I ingat). Satu dari perempuan, satu dari lelaki. Guess sendiri la which one said by who. Haha.
Anyway, that's not the point.
Being described as a "social butterfly", "happy-go-lucky", "cheerful" is an honour. Seronok sebenarnya boleh buat orang happy. Tengok orang happy, kite pun happy. Nak pulak bila involve macam-macam aktiviti running, diving, hiking buatkan I kenal ramai orang dan kawan pun bertambah. Circle of friends grows.
I tau semua orang ada struggle masing-masing. So I appreciate bila pegi beraktiviti memana semua orang chill dan happy sebab masa tu la masing-masing nak lupakan masalah masing-masing buat sementara waktu.
Then as we go along, when there's a connection, we become closer. Stories were shared. Friendships and trust were build. So does love.
Without me realizing it, I hold myself responsible for the happiness of my lovely growing circle of friends, especially the ones whom I allow to stay in my heart. And the number is increasing. For those who knew me for quite some time, will know that I will try my very best to make myself available to those in need. I take it as my duty to offer them love, time, ears, encouragement etc just to make them feel better and boost their spirit to endure hardships and sadness in life.
At some point, my energy drains. I know I have to stop and need to rejuvenate myself. But I continue doing my "duty" with the belief that I will be happy in return.
But no. The happiness within me keeps on depleting. Conflicts happened one after another. I lost the ability to resolve the conflicts. I swallow the pain, calm myself to be patient. I'm hurt.
Then there's a guy gave me hope, offered me happiness. I was delighted. I was being extra careful but my heart being so stubborn. "You should try again, give yourself a chance, why not?" says my heart.
As expected, after a while, he came and said "No, I can't do it".
But it was too late. The heart betrayed its own master. I have let myself being hurt again. I have been disrespectful again to myself.
I started to think "Aku nie dihidupkan memang untuk kena game je ke?" "Teruk sangat ke aku nie?" and other worthless thoughts of myself. Oh please don't start on our purpose of life with Allah yada yada.
Koyak. Rabak. Lagi. Teruk.
I started to feel upset and doubt dengan semua orang. Apa yang orang cakap semua tak boleh pakai. Semua sembang. Yes, semua orang. Cukup-cukuplah acah caring pasal aku yada yada.
Just, stop.
I can't forgive myself.
I know I have to let it go to the ears of the people whom I love and trust. I know they will be there by my sides through my ups and downs. I know they will understand. I know. But this one is worse. I'm gonna throw my tantrum. I started to be heartless and selfish. I'll be super annoying. And it's not fair for them. They have been very patient with me all this while.
Dah la disrespecting myself, menyusahkan orang yang I sayang will make me even more angry at myself. I don't need me to feel more worthless of myself.
So before it getting worse and may ruin the friendship coz I will be just another toxic person that absorb other people's energy and time and yada yada, hence I can't forgive myself even more, please, just, stop.
Leave. Me. Alone.
I took drastic actions. I cut off myself and push people away. What I did and how I did it may not be fair and hurt other people as well but I don't care anymore. I need "me time". Just me and myself.
It worked.
It doesn't took me that long. I came back. But only to selected people whom I love unconditionally (well I hope I made the right decision). I took it as a test not only for me to re-filter my environment and surrounding, also vice versa.
I also realized my so-called comeback has been slightly different.
How different?
No more over-love, no more over-available, no more over-"duty".
I need to respect myself. As selfish as it may sound, I am my own happy pill.
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