Sunday, October 14, 2018

What did I do during my “alone” time

Enjoying your own company by being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. What you need is avoid interactions with those who know you. You just want to spend time with yourself. I’m not a famous person so placing myself at public spots is easy for me.

Lain orang, lain. Ada yang suka main dgn kucing, gardening, reading etc. Here’s what I do:-

- watch movie alone (org selalu cakap kesian/tak best but not for me. I selalu tgk movie sorang. Not a problem at all)
- treat myself with good food or ape2 yg I rasa nak makan (nie pun sama org selalu cakap kesian/tak best but then again I selalu je makan sorang and not a problem)
- watch tv at home
- cook something
- read books at home or at cafes
- jog/workout
- jalan2 kat mall/taman. If rasa sunyi pasang earphone dengar lagu. Remember, avoid human interactions as much as possible
- don’t post anything on social media so if ada orang comment you don’t feel obligated to reply. Refer to the point above i.e to avoid human interactions as much as possible. Every time you rasa nak post, remind yourself that you don’t have anything to prove and that you don’t owe obligations to reveal yourself, unless you are ready to be exposed to human judgments which may interrupt your self-rejuvenate session
- pegi pantai or memana tempat tinggi layan view (read: layan perasaan/layan deep/reflect diri)
- try your very best to get close to Him. Tipu la if ada masa I tak rasa merajuk dengan Tuhan tapi pastu I cakap to myself “ala merajuk tu tanda nak manja dengan Tuhan, nak Tuhan pujuk” pastu nanti automatik sendiri akan rasa terpujuk. The next thing I know I will luahkan semuanya, marah, sedih, rajuk and if rasa nak nangis, nangis je. Let go semuanya sampai lega. Bila dah lega, mintak ampun dan belas kasihan Tuhan sebab merajuk mcm budak kecik nak perhatian, mintak Tuhan tetapkan hati dan mudahkan urusan. Yang penting, solat jangan tinggal dan seboleh mungkin solat awal waktu. I know it’s hard tapi I percaya yang if kita buat apa Allah suka, Allah akan jaga kita even waktu kita rasa merajuk ke nak jauh ke if kita cuba, Allah akan tarik kita balik dekat dengan Dia. Kita jugak yang untung. Hari2 jangan tinggal doa utk mak ayah untuk luaskan rezeki. Rajin lagi buat Dhuha. Ada masa pegi solat kat masjid pastu if tak lupa hulurkan sedekah kat tabung masjid. Zikir, istighfar dan selawat banyak2 bila ingat. Try it gais. Bila dah dapat connection dengan Allah tu, akan rasa Allah tu cukup dah untuk jaga kita melalui rezeki yang Dia salurkan untuk kita dalam macam-macam bentuk. Ada masa bila terhilang connection tu sebab penat diduga ke diuji ke, merajuk balik and the cycle continues. Jangan putus asa ok. Allah suka orang yang tak putus asa walaupun penat diuji. Allah tau kita penat. Bgtau je “Ya Allah, aku penat”. Tak tau la cara I tu betul ke salah sebab saya bukanlah ustazah, pakai tudung pun selempang kiri kanan lagi tapi tulah, kita cubalah ya.

I’m just sharing. Mana tau kot beneficial. As I mentioned earlier, lain orang lain cara. Ada banyak cara gais. Try and error to find ways that best suit yourself. The world is tough. Hidup ini penuh pancaroba. Tiba-tiba.

Good luck! ;)

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

The Happy Pill

"Iynas happy pill semua orang"

"Saya pegang one thing je, saya happy bila dengan awak"

The above were said to me recently when I was at my down point (that's why I ingat). Satu dari perempuan, satu dari lelaki. Guess sendiri la which one said by who. Haha.

Anyway, that's not the point.

Being described as a "social butterfly", "happy-go-lucky", "cheerful" is an honour. Seronok sebenarnya boleh buat orang happy. Tengok orang happy, kite pun happy. Nak pulak bila involve macam-macam aktiviti running, diving, hiking buatkan I kenal ramai orang dan kawan pun bertambah. Circle of friends grows.

I tau semua orang ada struggle masing-masing. So I appreciate bila pegi beraktiviti memana semua orang chill dan happy sebab masa tu la masing-masing nak lupakan masalah masing-masing buat sementara waktu.

Then as we go along, when there's a connection, we become closer. Stories were shared. Friendships and trust were build. So does love.

Without me realizing it, I hold myself responsible for the happiness of my lovely growing circle of friends, especially the ones whom I allow to stay in my heart. And the number is increasing. For those who knew me for quite some time, will know that I will try my very best to make myself available to those in need. I take it as my duty to offer them love, time, ears, encouragement etc just to make them feel better and boost their spirit to endure hardships and sadness in life.

At some point, my energy drains. I know I have to stop and need to rejuvenate myself. But I continue doing my "duty" with the belief that I will be happy in return.

But no. The happiness within me keeps on depleting. Conflicts happened one after another. I lost the ability to resolve the conflicts. I swallow the pain, calm myself to be patient. I'm hurt.

Then there's a guy gave me hope, offered me happiness. I was delighted. I was being extra careful but my heart being so stubborn. "You should try again, give yourself a chance, why not?" says my heart.

As expected, after a while, he came and said "No, I can't do it".

But it was too late. The heart betrayed its own master. I have let myself being hurt again. I have been disrespectful again to myself.

I started to think "Aku nie dihidupkan memang untuk kena game je ke?" "Teruk sangat ke aku nie?" and other worthless thoughts of myself. Oh please don't start on our purpose of life with Allah yada yada.

Koyak. Rabak. Lagi. Teruk.

I started to feel upset and doubt dengan semua orang. Apa yang orang cakap semua tak boleh pakai. Semua sembang. Yes, semua orang. Cukup-cukuplah acah caring pasal aku yada yada.

Just, stop.

I can't forgive myself.

I know I have to let it go to the ears of the people whom I love and trust. I know they will be there by my sides through my ups and downs. I know they will understand. I know. But this one is worse. I'm gonna throw my tantrum. I started to be heartless and selfish. I'll be super annoying. And it's not fair for them. They have been very patient with me all this while.

Dah la disrespecting myself, menyusahkan orang yang I sayang will make me even more angry at myself. I don't need me to feel more worthless of myself.

So before it getting worse and may ruin the friendship coz I will be just another toxic person that absorb other people's energy and time and yada yada, hence I can't forgive myself even more, please, just, stop.

Leave. Me. Alone.

I took drastic actions. I cut off myself and push people away. What I did and how I did it may not be fair and hurt other people as well but I don't care anymore. I need "me time". Just me and myself.

It worked.

It doesn't took me that long. I came back. But only to selected people whom I love unconditionally (well I hope I made the right decision). I took it as a test not only for me to re-filter my environment and surrounding, also vice versa.

I also realized my so-called comeback has been slightly different.

How different?

No more over-love, no more over-available, no more over-"duty".

I need to respect myself. As selfish as it may sound, I am my own happy pill.

A post of a...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

31 and single.

Certainly not something that I dream my life would be back when I was in my early 20s. My dream - at 31 years old, I already have a child. Or at least, married. Far from being desperate (if that's what lingers in your mind), I have always thought that having a child at an early age, then become your best friend when the child grows older is cool. Pengaruh cite Gilmore Girls kuat sangat nieh. Lol.

Having said that, this blog itself has reached 10 years old this year :-) *just for my note*

To state here that I pernah putus tunang more than one time is not something that I proud of, neither embarrassing at this point of time. The climax was in year 2015, where everything was running smoothly, until the rest became history and memory :-)

I am not a person who's easily giving up. But maybe this time, I just have to and let everything flows naturally. Putting my dream aside now, I'm thankful that within my two-recovery-year (where I push myself really hard sebab rasa marah sangat dengan diri sendiri yang lembik dan lemah), I berjaya prove to myself that I still am the same person who is not giving up so easily in achieving what I want. I may not be the top scorer, but I will never let myself down that easy.

Semoga Allah mudahkan urusan kita semua :)

p/s: this post was in my draft. I must have written this early this year. Just click publish without changing the title! I like it though. Sounds mysterious. Haha whatever.