reflecting myself..another lesson of life

first of all..what i'll be writing here is not to respond to any issues arose..it's just that i would like to use my blog to reflect myself and what i've done..

these thoughts have been inside my head for a few days..for those who close to me..would exactly understand how i feel (i hope)..being Iynas yg byk berpk dan mudah rase bersalah but at the same time i wanna do something for myself..

i heard this line a few times these past few days: "kau kene keraskan hati"..although it was referring to someone else..i feel like it was also pointing to me in a way..

i was confused for a moment..

there's a saying that you have to think about yourself and put yourself before others before you think about everyone else..

but when you do that..people call you selfish..

personally..i hate the word 'selfish'..it's too harsh for me and it's hurtful..for me..everyone has their own reason on why they want to think about themselves first before others..there's a reason that we can't see..that is not worth to argue on..that others don't need to understand because it's too hard to justify because people want to hear what they want to believe (Nana, i curi sket quote u..hehe..coz i agree with it)

perhaps because i can't see the border line between the two: put yourself before others and being selfish..to what extent you have to think about yourself without being called selfish..

and then i was thinking (being Iynas yg byk pk)..after a number of personal reviews and comments that i had received..listened..and seen..

i believe i was doing the right thing..but in a wrong way..i did the right thing by deciding what's best for me..but at the same time i'm being selfish by not realizing my action has an impact on others..

yess..i think that is it!!

now i understand..

one of the comments written on my card said that correcting is the way,not running away..i took time before i actually accepted the truth..that i'm not actually avoiding..but running away.. shame on me..

the least i could do is to face the reality and to learn saying 'no' bravely and confidently..to learn to refuse in a good way..in a more professional way..in a more mature way..

my friends always say that i am matured..perhaps i am not matured enough

ppl say i am responsible..perhaps i am not responsible enough

i believe that i am confident..perhaps i am not confident enough

i'm sorry to let down the high hopes put on me..but now i know and realize that i have the potential (from the comments i received)..and i shall not waste it..i would not forget the opportunity and the experiences i have had..i would want to learn and experience more..and use it for my own good..if not now..maybe in the future..

but what's done is done..i couldn't go back and correct my actions in the past..but perhaps i can do something to correct them in the future..

everyday we learn something new in life to improve and make us a better person..it is one of God's gifts..and THIS is what i have learn..i am thankful for that..

at least i know i still have the chance to improve and to be a better person..

now i am relieved..