KALAU

Aku pernah baca dulu, tak baik ber"kalau-kalau" nie. Buka jalan kepada syaitan or something like that. Hadis kalau tak silap. Ah, korang google lah sendiri. Sebab dalam post nie, aku nak berKALAU.

KALAU lah mereka tahu, aku hampir bergaduh dengan wakil syarikat yang buat kad kawen aku sebab tetibe aku nak mereka siapkan kad tu cepat dalam masa kurang dari seminggu. Tiba-tiba order aku jadi urgent. Sebab aku cakap aku nak balik kampung raya haji tu. Nak bagi sendiri kad kawen kat keluarga dan saudara-mara di kampung. Yelah, masa raya puasa tak dapat balik sbb pkp covid-19. Masa raya haji tu dah boleh rentas negeri. Masing-masing semua amek kesempatan nak balik kampung beraya haji, ganti balik raya puasa yang duduk di rumah saja. Maka, order kad kawen aku pun jadi urgent sebab aku nak bawak balik kampung dan serahkan sendiri. Dalam masa tak sampai seminggu, siap kad kawen aku. Alhamdulillah, thanks to nikahsatu. I'm so happy sebab dapat balik kampung dan serahkan sendiri kad kawen aku.

But i guess, semua tu dah tak bermakna lagi. Siap dicop, "kami tak diundang" oleh keluarga dari kampung bila mana aku ambil keputusan untuk tak benarkan mereka datang dulu ke majlis aku kemudiannya sebab masa tu negeri kampung aku kena pkpd. Walaupun kampung aku tak kena, tapi sebab majlis kawen melibatkan orang lain yang penting juga seperti keluarga belah lelaki, tok kadi dan sebagainya, bukan saja keluarga, maka aku harus ambil kira dan hormat pandangan mereka. Maybe lah, aku dilihat selfish dan membelakangi keluarga, walaupun aku harap dan expect mereka faham tentang situasi new norm, covid, etc semua nie.

Tapi tu lah, aku masih cuba untuk faham cara mereka berfikir. Again, KALAU aku cakap nie kang, aku kena jugak, tapi mungkin inilah yang dikatakan perbezaan mentaliti.

Itu belum lagi masuk bab mengungkit, yang buatkan aku tawar hati. Besar rupanya kesalahan aku untuk tak membenarkan dulu mereka datang setelah aku sendiri bertungkus-lumus nak siapkan kad kawen dan serahkan sendiri kepada mereka. Tapi ye lah, apalah sangat aku bertungkus-lumus tu nak dibandingkan dengan apa yang diungkitkan.

So...what happened in 2019?

Cepatnya ada next post! Haha.

Sebab tetibe dari last post in 2018 terus lompat ke 2020. Apa jadi in between?

I can remember lots of outdoor activities, in Malaysia and outside Malaysia. Dramas (of course), ups, downs, heartbreaks, happiness yada yada.

Basically, I'm living my 2019!

Too bad I did not blog any about it. Kena rajin scroll instagram la macam tu. Or fb memories for that matter - walaupun i dah tak main fb but thanks to those yang rajin tag i, ada jugak memory :-) ouh wait! instagram pun selalu keluar archive kan, ok boleh tengok situ. Hahahahahahahahah

Hello 2020! (which is almost over)

Hello!

Dah lebih 2 tahun bersawang blog nie. Hari nie kuat push factor i untuk melawat dan start menulis semula di sini.

So,

1. What is my push factor?

2. Why here?

Answer for Q1:

I want to share my..perhaps, new journey? No, not on the wedding. Ouh yes, alhamdulillah i dah selamat bernikah pada 26/9/2020 yang lalu. It was somehow my dream wedding. Not as simple as i imagine it to be (yes gais i takde nafsu untuk grand wedding, pelik tak?), but i am beyond grateful that it went smoothly and surrounded by favourite people of mine :-) although ada family dari kedah yang i sendiri request tak perlu datang dulu - ok not gonna elaborate further on that - sensitive issue time covid-19 nie but yeah bukan sume orang boleh faham kan.

What the new journey is all about? Perhaps in the next post. Dah lama tak tulis blog nie, intro dulu. Hahahah.

Answer for Q2:

I was thinking nak buat thread in twitter or story highlights on instagram. But erm, macam panjang je nak taip? Better blog la kot plus dah ada laptop sendiri sekarang. Bukan ofis punya laptop. Ntah bila nak dapat pun tak tau. So terpaksa la beli sendiri dulu demi kemudahan utk wfh - walaupun tak mudah sangat la sebab takde access to my work folders. Next year i nak claim, ok bos? Please take note. Kah. Kalau tak boleh, exclude dari tax taun depan je lah.

Oklah, sampai sini dulu. Nak asah balik menulis dari hati nie lols. Harap ada lah next post ok, insyaAllah. I nak share my journey for my own documentation and perhaps beneficial for other people too, insyaAllah :-)

What did I do during my “alone” time

Enjoying your own company by being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. What you need is avoid interactions with those who know you. You just want to spend time with yourself. I’m not a famous person so placing myself at public spots is easy for me.

Lain orang, lain. Ada yang suka main dgn kucing, gardening, reading etc. Here’s what I do:-

- watch movie alone (org selalu cakap kesian/tak best but not for me. I selalu tgk movie sorang. Not a problem at all)
- treat myself with good food or ape2 yg I rasa nak makan (nie pun sama org selalu cakap kesian/tak best but then again I selalu je makan sorang and not a problem)
- watch tv at home
- cook something
- read books at home or at cafes
- jog/workout
- jalan2 kat mall/taman. If rasa sunyi pasang earphone dengar lagu. Remember, avoid human interactions as much as possible
- don’t post anything on social media so if ada orang comment you don’t feel obligated to reply. Refer to the point above i.e to avoid human interactions as much as possible. Every time you rasa nak post, remind yourself that you don’t have anything to prove and that you don’t owe obligations to reveal yourself, unless you are ready to be exposed to human judgments which may interrupt your self-rejuvenate session
- pegi pantai or memana tempat tinggi layan view (read: layan perasaan/layan deep/reflect diri)
- try your very best to get close to Him. Tipu la if ada masa I tak rasa merajuk dengan Tuhan tapi pastu I cakap to myself “ala merajuk tu tanda nak manja dengan Tuhan, nak Tuhan pujuk” pastu nanti automatik sendiri akan rasa terpujuk. The next thing I know I will luahkan semuanya, marah, sedih, rajuk and if rasa nak nangis, nangis je. Let go semuanya sampai lega. Bila dah lega, mintak ampun dan belas kasihan Tuhan sebab merajuk mcm budak kecik nak perhatian, mintak Tuhan tetapkan hati dan mudahkan urusan. Yang penting, solat jangan tinggal dan seboleh mungkin solat awal waktu. I know it’s hard tapi I percaya yang if kita buat apa Allah suka, Allah akan jaga kita even waktu kita rasa merajuk ke nak jauh ke if kita cuba, Allah akan tarik kita balik dekat dengan Dia. Kita jugak yang untung. Hari2 jangan tinggal doa utk mak ayah untuk luaskan rezeki. Rajin lagi buat Dhuha. Ada masa pegi solat kat masjid pastu if tak lupa hulurkan sedekah kat tabung masjid. Zikir, istighfar dan selawat banyak2 bila ingat. Try it gais. Bila dah dapat connection dengan Allah tu, akan rasa Allah tu cukup dah untuk jaga kita melalui rezeki yang Dia salurkan untuk kita dalam macam-macam bentuk. Ada masa bila terhilang connection tu sebab penat diduga ke diuji ke, merajuk balik and the cycle continues. Jangan putus asa ok. Allah suka orang yang tak putus asa walaupun penat diuji. Allah tau kita penat. Bgtau je “Ya Allah, aku penat”. Tak tau la cara I tu betul ke salah sebab saya bukanlah ustazah, pakai tudung pun selempang kiri kanan lagi tapi tulah, kita cubalah ya.

I’m just sharing. Mana tau kot beneficial. As I mentioned earlier, lain orang lain cara. Ada banyak cara gais. Try and error to find ways that best suit yourself. The world is tough. Hidup ini penuh pancaroba. Tiba-tiba.

Good luck! ;)

The Happy Pill

"Iynas happy pill semua orang"

"Saya pegang one thing je, saya happy bila dengan awak"

The above were said to me recently when I was at my down point (that's why I ingat). Satu dari perempuan, satu dari lelaki. Guess sendiri la which one said by who. Haha.

Anyway, that's not the point.

Being described as a "social butterfly", "happy-go-lucky", "cheerful" is an honour. Seronok sebenarnya boleh buat orang happy. Tengok orang happy, kite pun happy. Nak pulak bila involve macam-macam aktiviti running, diving, hiking buatkan I kenal ramai orang dan kawan pun bertambah. Circle of friends grows.

I tau semua orang ada struggle masing-masing. So I appreciate bila pegi beraktiviti memana semua orang chill dan happy sebab masa tu la masing-masing nak lupakan masalah masing-masing buat sementara waktu.

Then as we go along, when there's a connection, we become closer. Stories were shared. Friendships and trust were build. So does love.

Without me realizing it, I hold myself responsible for the happiness of my lovely growing circle of friends, especially the ones whom I allow to stay in my heart. And the number is increasing. For those who knew me for quite some time, will know that I will try my very best to make myself available to those in need. I take it as my duty to offer them love, time, ears, encouragement etc just to make them feel better and boost their spirit to endure hardships and sadness in life.

At some point, my energy drains. I know I have to stop and need to rejuvenate myself. But I continue doing my "duty" with the belief that I will be happy in return.

But no. The happiness within me keeps on depleting. Conflicts happened one after another. I lost the ability to resolve the conflicts. I swallow the pain, calm myself to be patient. I'm hurt.

Then there's a guy gave me hope, offered me happiness. I was delighted. I was being extra careful but my heart being so stubborn. "You should try again, give yourself a chance, why not?" says my heart.

As expected, after a while, he came and said "No, I can't do it".

But it was too late. The heart betrayed its own master. I have let myself being hurt again. I have been disrespectful again to myself.

I started to think "Aku nie dihidupkan memang untuk kena game je ke?" "Teruk sangat ke aku nie?" and other worthless thoughts of myself. Oh please don't start on our purpose of life with Allah yada yada.

Koyak. Rabak. Lagi. Teruk.

I started to feel upset and doubt dengan semua orang. Apa yang orang cakap semua tak boleh pakai. Semua sembang. Yes, semua orang. Cukup-cukuplah acah caring pasal aku yada yada.

Just, stop.

I can't forgive myself.

I know I have to let it go to the ears of the people whom I love and trust. I know they will be there by my sides through my ups and downs. I know they will understand. I know. But this one is worse. I'm gonna throw my tantrum. I started to be heartless and selfish. I'll be super annoying. And it's not fair for them. They have been very patient with me all this while.

Dah la disrespecting myself, menyusahkan orang yang I sayang will make me even more angry at myself. I don't need me to feel more worthless of myself.

So before it getting worse and may ruin the friendship coz I will be just another toxic person that absorb other people's energy and time and yada yada, hence I can't forgive myself even more, please, just, stop.

Leave. Me. Alone.

I took drastic actions. I cut off myself and push people away. What I did and how I did it may not be fair and hurt other people as well but I don't care anymore. I need "me time". Just me and myself.

It worked.

It doesn't took me that long. I came back. But only to selected people whom I love unconditionally (well I hope I made the right decision). I took it as a test not only for me to re-filter my environment and surrounding, also vice versa.

I also realized my so-called comeback has been slightly different.

How different?

No more over-love, no more over-available, no more over-"duty".

I need to respect myself. As selfish as it may sound, I am my own happy pill.

A post of a...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

31 and single.

Certainly not something that I dream my life would be back when I was in my early 20s. My dream - at 31 years old, I already have a child. Or at least, married. Far from being desperate (if that's what lingers in your mind), I have always thought that having a child at an early age, then become your best friend when the child grows older is cool. Pengaruh cite Gilmore Girls kuat sangat nieh. Lol.

Having said that, this blog itself has reached 10 years old this year :-) *just for my note*

To state here that I pernah putus tunang more than one time is not something that I proud of, neither embarrassing at this point of time. The climax was in year 2015, where everything was running smoothly, until the rest became history and memory :-)

I am not a person who's easily giving up. But maybe this time, I just have to and let everything flows naturally. Putting my dream aside now, I'm thankful that within my two-recovery-year (where I push myself really hard sebab rasa marah sangat dengan diri sendiri yang lembik dan lemah), I berjaya prove to myself that I still am the same person who is not giving up so easily in achieving what I want. I may not be the top scorer, but I will never let myself down that easy.

Semoga Allah mudahkan urusan kita semua :)

p/s: this post was in my draft. I must have written this early this year. Just click publish without changing the title! I like it though. Sounds mysterious. Haha whatever.

The Transition Phase

I took my time to post this because I wanna be superly sure about how and what I feel now. This transition is kinda a big change for myself, hence I wanna share and document it here in my blog, when I thought the previous post will be my last post ever.

Dulu, I kurang faham bila orang cakap (especially bila yang cakap tu perempuan yang dah nak kahwin):-

"I tak ready nak tinggalkan my single life for marriage"

Hello. Marriage is a privilege kot. It's a sunnah. Untunglah dah ada suami pastu nanti dapat anak rasa complete hidup yada yada. What more bila perempuan kahwin awal, anak da besar nanti boleh jadi kawan. And I know I read somewhere antara tanda perempuan yang diberkati ialah kahwin awal. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Tapi itu dulu la. Pengalaman putus tunang tahun 2015 mengajar aku banyak benda. Kekuatan iman, kesabaran. Dendam yang tak pernah ada jadi ada. Perangai yang tak pernah ada jadi ada. Keinginan yang tak pernah ada jadi ada. Nak try smoking. Nak bukak tudung pergi clubbing. Orang bagi nasihat suruh bersyukur benda jadi sebelum kahwin pun rasa nak marah. Macam-macam. Rapuhnya iman. Don't get me started. Aku boleh bercerita non-stop. Koyak lukanya terlalu dalam. Apatah lagi bila takde proper closure. Ini bukan couple tau. Tunang. Another one step to marriage that I have been preparing myself for since my early 20s. Tunang dah melibatkan family. Apatah lagi bila pihak satu lagi yang effort lebih nak cepatkan perkahwinan bagai and yet cepat juga dia berlalu pergi (takde gaduh pun) dan mendapat pengganti. And when I asked what I did wrong he pushed me away and told me to figure myself out. Yes, don't get me started. Sebab sampai sekarang aku takde jawapan. Sampai sekarang aku tak faham apa yang jadi sebenarnya. Cuma yang aku faham sekarang nie hati manusia cepat berubah. Melangkaui janji dirinya sendiri. Aku cuba percaya dia dah buat sehabis baik. Again, don't get me started.

Aku berusaha selamatkan keadaan. Sayang is one thing. Commitment is another thing. Tapi lagi aku cuba, lagi teruk jadinya. Tak nak jumpa, kene block even by his family. Percubaan memujuk dan discuss melalui phone diakhiri dengan aku kene loudspeaker olehnya di hadapan kawan-kawannya. Pergh. What an experience. Sakit. Malu. Maruah aku dan keluarga bagai dicampak-campak. Keyakinan diri aku jatuh di tempat paling bawah. Sampai sekarang aku tak tahu apa salah aku. I must have been done something terrible that makes me deserve the experience. I have been told that I should be taking it easy coz nothing can challenge Allah's decree. Definitely I learned it through the hard way.

Aku percaya Allah tak kejam. Walaupun usaha aku nak selamatkan 'kami' tak jadi, aku berusaha selamatkan diri aku. Traveling, diving, running, hiking are some of the activities I do to pick up my own pieces. Almost every weekend full schedule. Non-stop. Orang lain tengok aku pun penat. Duit pun banyak habis. Tapi aku lagi rela melayan penat fizikal dari penat melayan emosi. Aku salute orang yang boleh tak melayan perasaan sangat nie. Korang memang kuat. I wonder how you girls do it. I even tried to get into new relationship sebab orang nasihatkan I that's one of the ways to move on. Few trials done but nothing work out. Siap melanggar prinsip diri sendiri buat the first move to confess. I mean, dah pernah koyak teruk so setakat kene reject over early confession apelah sangat. Yang penting I've tried. New experience kot. Nothing to lose kan. Lol. Yang takleh blah bukan sorang, tapi dua suami orang nak try I. Dugaan betul. Yang itu I tak nak try. Mohon dijauhkan.

The struggle was real. Alhamdulillah slowly I have found my peace. I survived my storms. Believe that with every hardship comes ease. Tak dapat apa yang kita nak is not a bad thing after all. Macam-macam lagi I belajar dari pengalaman nie. All praise is due to Allah.

I also learned that people deal with sadness differently. Don't judge. Maybe we can have separate private sharing session if wanna discuss about it.

Moving on, sekarang I da faham maksud enjoying my single life and no more looking forward to involve in any serious relationship whatsoever, even marriage. Because that's how I feel now. And it takes other people to tell me this in order to validate my transition phase (not just one person but a few people):-

"Jeles betul tengok Iynas nie. Setiap weekend ade je aktiviti. Ke sana sini aktif betul. I dulu macam you jugak tapi sejak kahwin nie payah nak lepas. Selagi muda, single dan sihat nie, buat la pape yang you nak buat."

Sebelum nie pun dah ramai orang cakap macam tu kat I, tapi sekarang I lebih faham dan lebih setuju.

Don't get me wrong. I bukan suka nak buat orang jeles dgn my life. Bukan juga nak promote single life is better or anything tp just to sedarkan myself that I should be thankful and grateful with what Allah has planned and decreed for me. He certainly knows the best. I dah boleh terima yang I dah breach my target to get married before reaching 30.

So what I meant with transition phase is that, after long years preparing myself for marriage, I don't give it a d*** anymore. Not for now. Currently busy investing in myself. More relax. No pressure.

Setakat main drama tu adalah. After all life is dull without drama. For me la the drama queen. Not sorry for that.

Yang dah kahwin enjoy cara kahwin. Yang single enjoy cara single. Allah blesses us in different ways. Dugaan pun lain-lain. Allah is fair. I believe in that :)

The gift and the search of better gifts in the final 10 days of Ramadhan

Today marks the final 10 days! Let's strive and finish strong! 💪💪💪 

If I can push myself in working out physically, surely I can push myself in "working out" my soul and emotional state. Doing so in Ramadhan is the perfect timing. After all, I will always remember your words, 

"Push yourself to the limit! And be patient". 

That's one of many good things that will remind me of you. Good memory remains forever. What more when it does relevantly applicable to many situations. 

And ouh! You first reveal about me to your parents during one of the sahur days in Ramadhan, exactly 60 days after we knew each other. I can still recall how thankful and grateful I was when you told your parents about me and the intention to go to the next level in the holy month. 

I thought I was strong. Allowing someone to occupy my heart had made me realized that I am weak. As much as I want others to be held responsible, at the end of the day it is me who needs to be responsible for my own happiness. Others can agree or annoyingly leave me alone. But this is the process that I have to embrace, accept and deal with. To strengthen my heart again. 

Today, alhamdulillah Allah has made me realized that the ability to missing someone once very dearly to the heart is actually a blessing. 

Thank you Allah for lending me the memorable gift, although just for a while 🙂. I ask from only You Ya Rabb, for better gifts. The best gifts. 

And with the confession, this post shall be my last words about it..

"Indeed I am in absolute need of good things You send to me" - the prayer of Nabi Musa a.s. in Surah Al-Qasas verse 24. 

Realiti & Mimpi

Pernahkah kau merasakan

Hidup ini seperti mimpi yang panjang

Ingin saja aku keluar darinya

Namun terlindung jalan keluarnya

Gembira, suka, lebih lagi sedih duka

Seakan ditempelak setiap kali leka

Sehingga lemah longlai langkah kakinya

Tanpa jemu dan lelah bangun semula

Ada kala aku seperti dibawa jauh

Jauh dari realiti yang aku mimpikan sendiri

Pernah aku terbaca

Hidup ini ibarat penjara buat yang celik hatinya

Namun jika benar terang jiwanya, kenapa tidak hidup ini dipandang melangkaui tembok penjara?

Sehingga timbul jalan keluarnya

Bila kita betul-betul bersedia

Yang hanya diketahui oleh Yang Maha Esa. 

#setitischeese

People come and go..

But I pray and hope that Allah will protect this 9-years-and-more friendship till Jannah..ameen..

- With Love,

Setitischeese @ Pulau Kapas, 8-10 April 2016 -

The Lightest

My dream weight. 

Mission accomplished. 

Next is to maintain. 

I think with my cute height, i can go until 48kg. 

#unconditionallove

Tinta pena Luh Mahfuz telah lama mengering

Dalam erti kata lain, yakin dengan qada' dan qadar Allah. 

The trip to New Zealand was supposed to be cancelled. Although dah beli tiket since bulan 4 before i knew him. Coz the plan was to get married early next year i.e. 2016. So we need to manage the financial. I had actually received the refund of the trip. 

Takdir Allah yang mengizinkan sama ada sesuatu berlaku ataupun tidak. 

Tak jadi kahwin, proceed with the trip. Alhamdulillah the tour management was very kind enough to receive my last minute payment. 

Sesungguhnya perancangan Allah tu amat cantik. Walaupun ada dugaan my visa almost tak lepas di airport before departure sebab tukar pasport last minute (due to less than 6 months expiry date from the travel date), dan masa nak balik tu i tak check-in lagi even da one hour to the next flight coz flight delayed and i takleh buat website check-in coz of different passport number (thanks to dear friend dan sekumpulan group trip yg menghadapi masalah sama dan sudi terima saya join group check-in anda). Despite of all the challenges, Allah izinkan saya bergumbira sepuasnya di New Zealand dan bertemu orang2 yang sangat baik, tak berkira, full of love, sama2 sengal, open minded that makes the trip superly AWESOME!! 

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. 

Of course, it is not as easy to forget. But Allah has made it easy for me. 

Alhamdulillah. 

I'm smiling, happily. 

Alhamdulillah. 

To the new love :)

I'll share about the trip and more photos sooner or later, insyaAllah.

Saw him yesterday during a funeral. Unintentionally. I felt nothing. 

Alhamdulillah. 

"Semua yang telah ditakdirkan dan dikehendaki Allah pasti terjadi" (Al-Hadith)

Thank you Allah for being so kind to me. Jadikanlah aku dari golongan orang yang bersyukur dan bertaubat. 

Ameen. 

The Hardest Part

I won't deny, you're one of the best things happened in my life

Somehow my wish came true

And that's the hardest part..

Kata-kata Mama dan Surah al-Hadid

Two days ago, right after my last post (I wrote the post in the car, on the way back from family outing), surely mama noticed that I haven't smiled for the day. If I did, it was a fake one. 

She hugged me in the car, and said "Sabar, biar orang buat kat kita. Mama dulu pun banyak sabar masa awal-awal arwah Tok Chik (her late MIL) buat macam-macam kat mama. Kak ham masa bercerai pun, lagi down. Dia lagi laa ada 2 orang anak kecik. Iynas nie mama kira bersyukur takat sampai tunang ja.."

I feel a lot better. I start smiling. A genuine one. 

Had a long chat with my cousin. She's younger than me, but I love her advices on why I become like this and what shall I do to make things right again. Then come my sister, advicing me to recite surah al-Hadid (Iron) so that my heart will be as strong as iron. She did the same after she got divorced. 

Right the next day (yesterday), i recited  surah al-Hadid and its translation after Subuh prayer. Besides ease, I could feel my heart became stronger, not yet as iron coz I just read it once, but I could feel the difference. 

Hence later yesterday, my heart strongly felt that I had to do what I had to do. I could feel the strong push to do it, even after consulting my guy best friend (he's married) and he didn't allow me. 

Alhamdulillah Allah made it easy for me, and I did it. 

Lega. Like you used to say it. 

And ouh, on your wish for my happiness in the world, thanks but no thanks, I wish you the same, plus happiness in the life after. 

Just remember, Allah Maha Adil. We need to think on our action towards others might impact us later. Especially when it involves family. What more a mother's feeling. 

What goes around comes around.

And ouh sure, I have moved on. 

 

The smile

I have lost mine..

Seems you have not..

Good for you..

I cried at almost every prayer..

Seems like you're already having fun..

Good for you..

All is well, all is well.

A better wish

When you are the one who think that things are worth fighting for, while the other doesn't..

When you are the one who keep trying to make things work, while the other has stopped..

When the other told you that we shall cross the bridge together when the time comes, but you've been left right before we reach the bridge..

It hurts. Deeply. I won't deny. For i am human who's truly and sincerely has fallen in love..

Ironically, the other was the one who went after you, put a lot of efforts and started to be serious about it. And when you had gone head over heels, the other walks away, saying it has run its course. 

Just like that. 

Easy peasy. Easy come, easy go. Heartbreaker. So proud of it, huh.

Of course, everyone has flaws. But walking away is just too easy.

But then I realized, in pursuing human's love, I have slowly strayed away from Him..the connection with Him slowly fades away..

Perhaps with this trial, He is pulling me back to Him, and I shall be grateful and thankful.

Just like in my day-to-day prayers after solah, "Hanya kepada-Mu aku berbalik".

He is actually granting me my wish. A better wish. 

"When I said 'I love you', it was honest and I was't lying, but it has run its course"

At first, I don't understand. Especially when the relationship has been brought over to another level. Of course, when both has shown their readiness towards higher commitment - which means, when family are involved.

No big arguments, except towards the ending week - which I had no idea what or where had I done wrong that made him really angry - he finally ended it.

So i googled "run its course" to further understand what does it mean in a relationship - coz I have never experienced this kind of weird situation - hence these are what I found:-
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How To Know When A Relationship Has Run Its Course

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(Source: http://www.zenlama.com/how-to-know-when-a-relationship-has-run-its-course/)

No one knows exactly why we like or love the people we do? Every relationship starts of well, but how often do we stay in a relationship even though we are not content in it any more? What are the signs that a relationship has run its course?

Perhaps the real mystery of love is that we cannot explain it in words. We can feel it and experience it and for sure “who feels it knows it”,  but there is no real way to explain it to another.

Science now tells us that the initial attraction, and those powerful elated ‘can’t live without you’ feelings come from a group of neurotransmitters in your brain. You know the feelings I’m talking about, after all we have all experienced that first giddy flush of falling in love.

However real those lovestruck emotions are for us, and whatever blissful future we can imagine, the truth is that at the start of any relationship we are really at the mercy our biochemistry.

These feelings can last for weeks, even years and during that time we are often blind to, or ignore behaviours and traits in our partner that would drive us to distraction in another person. Truthfully, we all know that it takes time to really get to know and love someone and sometimes once we do we realize that we are not such a great fit after all.

What makes some people stay?

The trouble for most of us is that once we are in a relationship we find it hard to walk away and end it. I can put my hand up and say in the past I have stayed in relationships for a bunch of wrong reasons, and when we are frightened of moving on it’s easy to make excuses.

Have you ever worried that you were being too picky, or that no-one else will find your attractive or love you every again?  What about the fear of managing financially on your own, or the feeling of not wanting to hurt someone we care about?

Sometimes you can’t quite pinpoint the problem because nothing is really wrong, but them nothing is really right either so we stay put, craving the excitement of those lovestruck feelings and wondering if there is someone better for us out there.

In a relationship, you should bring out the best in one another – right?  You should grow together. When that stops happening and you feel stuck in a rut, if you value what you have with your partner it makes sense to do your best to get things back on track.  If on the other hand you know you’ve tried everything to make it work, and you are still unhappy it sounds like the relationship has run its course.

I believe that most relationships can be saved with the right techniques – after all, no relationship is a walk in the park. They are hard work, and you need to realise that your partner’s sole job isn’t to make you happy. You need to make yourself happy too – but that’s for a different blog post. Let’s look at  the signs that a relationship has run its course.

1- You don’t do things together

Do you avoid doing things with one another? If you’d rather do things with your friends than with your partner, or even alone, then it’s a sign the relationship is over. In the beginning, you probably would have done anything to spend more time with your partner. When you dread spending time with them, it’s a definite warning sign.

2 – You’ve stopped showing affection

The thought of showing affection to your partner makes you feel dishonest. You can’t hug them, kiss them, or hold hands with them without feeling dishonest. You really struggle to show them your love, and you’ve stopped saying you love them too. If you do say it, it’s only to shut them up.

3- You don’t laugh together any more

Two people in a relationship should laugh together constantly. If their humour now makes you cringe rather than smile, you should re-evaluate being with them.

4 -You’ve stopped talking about your day

I bet there was a time in the relationship where you couldn’t wait to tell your partner everything you’d been up to that day – even if it was just what you had for lunch. These days, you’d rather not speak to them at all. Something as simple as talking about lunch could potentially end in a blazing row.

5 -You forget important dates

Anniversaries and Valentine’s days aren’t as important as they were before. You don’t buy gifts, and you hate the thought of them rolling around. You may go as far as even forgetting your anniversary.

6 -You wish you could change them

You can’t change a person. You knew that when you began the relationship. Still, you wish you could change your partner. Maybe you don’t trust them and suspect them of cheating. GPS tracking is an option, but ask yourself: would you feel happier if you could change that one thing, or would you still find something to get annoyed at?

7 – You’re always arguing

Constant arguments shows problems with communication. If you can’t communicate with one another, you’ll always take things the wrong way. If you’re arguing about things now that happened way in the past, it could be time to call it a day. You can’t argue about the past if you want to move forward!

Being in the wrong relationship can be soul destroying over time and can sap the joy out of out our lives.

Even though ending a relationship can be heartbreaking, especially when you really want to get away for some of us the idea of being alone is hard, but it’s better than being with somebody you’re unhappy with wouldn’t you say?

So to close: I believe love is a lesson. It is a part of life. It could be a good, or id could be a bad, but in general it’s better to experience it, then to never know what it is like to have it in the first place.

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 Another one:-

5 signs your relationship has run its course

Does your relationship smell a little past the "best used" date? Do you miss your alone time? It could mean your relationship has run its course. Here are 5 signs that your, once interesting, relationship has lost that loving feeling.

(Source: http://familyshare.com/marriage/5-signs-your-relationship-has-run-its-course)

Sometimes people hit a point in their current relationship where they start to evaluate things. They begin to wonder whether or not they want to continue with their current relationship or if they want to seek another one. Not every couple is meant to be, but sometimes determine whether or not it's time to move on can be tough. While commitment in a marriage needs to be taken very seriously, these are some things to consider for those who are still in the dating phase.

• You're bored

  This is when you hit a point where some things have changed. It is one thing to be comfortable with your significant other, but it's another to be bored. You become apathetic about spending time with him, and you want to do other things. If the relationship has gotten a little tedious, then you can spice things up with going to new places and experiencing new things. But when you're bored with the person, it could be a sign that you're ready to move on.

• You've grown apart

  After a long time of being in a relationship, things change, and people change. While being together was fun, sometimes you both want to go your separate ways. When communication has dwindled, and you find that you and your partner are heading in different directions, it could be time to call it off. When you begin to focus less and less on the relationship and more on yourselves, communication breaks down, and when that's okay with you, chances are it's over.

• You crave alone time

  Everyone needs his personal space, but when you want space more than you want to see your partner, it's a red flag. When the other person's presence annoys you, and you just want them to leave, that should tell you something. The Huffington Postsummed this up really well in one sentence: "When not being with her made me happier than being with her." Once you hit this point, it's hard to go back.

• You think about breaking up

  If you're thinking more and more about what it would be like to be single, then you have already started to take yourself out of it. When you start thinking about what it would be like to date others, those options may pull you closer to the answer you already know: you're looking for a way out. When the thought becomes more like a fantasy, you're going to want to make it come true.
  Read: The most overlooked characteristic of who you want to marry

• You don't see it working in the long run

  You've been with your partner for a while, and while things have been good, you can't see things going long term. This may be a sign to end it. Plenty of people have relationships that work well until the question of long-term commitment comes up.
  Cosmopolitan says, "You want out of your relationship because the thought of spending the rest of your life with your current partner makes you shudder." You may have been committed to each other while dating, but if you can't see yourself possibly getting married to that person, or you don't see the two of you being together in the future, there isn't much point in sticking around.
  Not all relationships are meant to work out. That can be a good thing because you get to experience different people to help you find the one you really want to be with. Just because this relationship didn't work out doesn't mean the next one won't. Remember, your life is like a play, some people are main characters throughout and others just make an appearance to help the story progress.
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So 'a relationship has run its course' does happen.

Indeed it is a good experience for me.

But life is a karma.

I leave it to Allah, for surely He is the Most Just and the owner of all hearts.

"Tiada sesuatu pun yang Allah jadikan itu sia-sia"

Perempuan..itu aku..

Perempuan..

Bila dah betul-betul sayangkan seseorang, dia sanggup lakukan apa sahaja..

Perempuan..

Biarpun hatinya sedang berkecamuk, seboleh mungkin dia akan cuba mengukir senyuman dan mendahulukan keutamaan/keinginan yang tersayang..

Perempuan..

Apalah sangat kecewa hatinya kepada yang tersayang jika nak dibandingkan dengan marah dan kecewa yang tersayang kepada dia..

Perempuan..

Mudah tersentuh bila dimarah..

Perempuan..

Air matanya mudah mengalir bila terlalu marah, namun seboleh mungkin tidak mahu menunjukkannya..

Perempuan..

Biarpun hidup/cintanya 'tough', dia sanggup redahinya..

Perempuan begini, acapkali dicop sebagai "bodoh" atas tegarnya sentiasa mengalah dan berjuang demi yang tersayang - kerana dia percaya suatu hari nanti akan ada yang menghargai usahanya..dan kental namun rapuh hatinya..

Kerana fitrahnya - dia tetap seorang perempuan..

I still remember the feeling on that Friday..

29 May 2015 (Friday).

I still remember that day. 

Two days after we were formally introduced and say 'hi' to each other. 

A day after he requested to befriend me on Facebook. 

Around 10am - my office phone rang. It was an ex-colleague from the my previous working department. He said he wanted to ask me a personal question. I was like..okay..what is it..he asked me whether I was single coz there was someone, his friend who would like to ask me out for dinner in one of those days and would like to get to know me better. I asked him 2 questions - who and how old is he - coz if that person is younger than me, i would like to ensure that he is aware that I'm older than him. Apparently he is younger than me and the friend said he doesn't mind about age. He further asked whether he can share my number with the friend. And i said yes..

Around 12pm (lunch time) - me and a friend had a plan to go to Sogo, but she had to withdraw some money first, so i waited for her at the Bank's lobby, near Starbucks. While i was waiting, somehow I had a feeling that I would bump into him, and just when I felt that, there he was, walking to his friend nearby. I couldn't help to look at him walking, and I knew he did glance over me too. Yeay? Hihi. 

After Friday prayers - received first whatsapp from him introducing himself and saying thank you for accepting his friend request on Facebook. I replied and after a while again I couldn't help to search his profile on Instagram. I clicked 'Follow'!

Around 4pm - received whatsapps from him asking me if I would be free to go out and have dinner with him over the weekend. Without hesitating, I said yes! After all I did not have any plans over those weekends. Coincidence?

Around 8.30pm - we whatsapped each other till both of us fell sleepy. I remember those days I was still attached to Soda Crush Saga game apps :p

And the rest, becomes the sweetest memories - ever - insyaAllah :)