KALAU

Aku pernah baca dulu, tak baik ber"kalau-kalau" nie. Buka jalan kepada syaitan or something like that. Hadis kalau tak silap. Ah, korang google lah sendiri. Sebab dalam post nie, aku nak berKALAU.

KALAU lah mereka tahu, aku hampir bergaduh dengan wakil syarikat yang buat kad kawen aku sebab tetibe aku nak mereka siapkan kad tu cepat dalam masa kurang dari seminggu. Tiba-tiba order aku jadi urgent. Sebab aku cakap aku nak balik kampung raya haji tu. Nak bagi sendiri kad kawen kat keluarga dan saudara-mara di kampung. Yelah, masa raya puasa tak dapat balik sbb pkp covid-19. Masa raya haji tu dah boleh rentas negeri. Masing-masing semua amek kesempatan nak balik kampung beraya haji, ganti balik raya puasa yang duduk di rumah saja. Maka, order kad kawen aku pun jadi urgent sebab aku nak bawak balik kampung dan serahkan sendiri. Dalam masa tak sampai seminggu, siap kad kawen aku. Alhamdulillah, thanks to nikahsatu. I'm so happy sebab dapat balik kampung dan serahkan sendiri kad kawen aku.

But i guess, semua tu dah tak bermakna lagi. Siap dicop, "kami tak diundang" oleh keluarga dari kampung bila mana aku ambil keputusan untuk tak benarkan mereka datang dulu ke majlis aku kemudiannya sebab masa tu negeri kampung aku kena pkpd. Walaupun kampung aku tak kena, tapi sebab majlis kawen melibatkan orang lain yang penting juga seperti keluarga belah lelaki, tok kadi dan sebagainya, bukan saja keluarga, maka aku harus ambil kira dan hormat pandangan mereka. Maybe lah, aku dilihat selfish dan membelakangi keluarga, walaupun aku harap dan expect mereka faham tentang situasi new norm, covid, etc semua nie.

Tapi tu lah, aku masih cuba untuk faham cara mereka berfikir. Again, KALAU aku cakap nie kang, aku kena jugak, tapi mungkin inilah yang dikatakan perbezaan mentaliti.

Itu belum lagi masuk bab mengungkit, yang buatkan aku tawar hati. Besar rupanya kesalahan aku untuk tak membenarkan dulu mereka datang setelah aku sendiri bertungkus-lumus nak siapkan kad kawen dan serahkan sendiri kepada mereka. Tapi ye lah, apalah sangat aku bertungkus-lumus tu nak dibandingkan dengan apa yang diungkitkan.

So...what happened in 2019?

Cepatnya ada next post! Haha.

Sebab tetibe dari last post in 2018 terus lompat ke 2020. Apa jadi in between?

I can remember lots of outdoor activities, in Malaysia and outside Malaysia. Dramas (of course), ups, downs, heartbreaks, happiness yada yada.

Basically, I'm living my 2019!

Too bad I did not blog any about it. Kena rajin scroll instagram la macam tu. Or fb memories for that matter - walaupun i dah tak main fb but thanks to those yang rajin tag i, ada jugak memory :-) ouh wait! instagram pun selalu keluar archive kan, ok boleh tengok situ. Hahahahahahahahah

Hello 2020! (which is almost over)

Hello!

Dah lebih 2 tahun bersawang blog nie. Hari nie kuat push factor i untuk melawat dan start menulis semula di sini.

So,

1. What is my push factor?

2. Why here?

Answer for Q1:

I want to share my..perhaps, new journey? No, not on the wedding. Ouh yes, alhamdulillah i dah selamat bernikah pada 26/9/2020 yang lalu. It was somehow my dream wedding. Not as simple as i imagine it to be (yes gais i takde nafsu untuk grand wedding, pelik tak?), but i am beyond grateful that it went smoothly and surrounded by favourite people of mine :-) although ada family dari kedah yang i sendiri request tak perlu datang dulu - ok not gonna elaborate further on that - sensitive issue time covid-19 nie but yeah bukan sume orang boleh faham kan.

What the new journey is all about? Perhaps in the next post. Dah lama tak tulis blog nie, intro dulu. Hahahah.

Answer for Q2:

I was thinking nak buat thread in twitter or story highlights on instagram. But erm, macam panjang je nak taip? Better blog la kot plus dah ada laptop sendiri sekarang. Bukan ofis punya laptop. Ntah bila nak dapat pun tak tau. So terpaksa la beli sendiri dulu demi kemudahan utk wfh - walaupun tak mudah sangat la sebab takde access to my work folders. Next year i nak claim, ok bos? Please take note. Kah. Kalau tak boleh, exclude dari tax taun depan je lah.

Oklah, sampai sini dulu. Nak asah balik menulis dari hati nie lols. Harap ada lah next post ok, insyaAllah. I nak share my journey for my own documentation and perhaps beneficial for other people too, insyaAllah :-)

What did I do during my “alone” time

Enjoying your own company by being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. What you need is avoid interactions with those who know you. You just want to spend time with yourself. I’m not a famous person so placing myself at public spots is easy for me.

Lain orang, lain. Ada yang suka main dgn kucing, gardening, reading etc. Here’s what I do:-

- watch movie alone (org selalu cakap kesian/tak best but not for me. I selalu tgk movie sorang. Not a problem at all)
- treat myself with good food or ape2 yg I rasa nak makan (nie pun sama org selalu cakap kesian/tak best but then again I selalu je makan sorang and not a problem)
- watch tv at home
- cook something
- read books at home or at cafes
- jog/workout
- jalan2 kat mall/taman. If rasa sunyi pasang earphone dengar lagu. Remember, avoid human interactions as much as possible
- don’t post anything on social media so if ada orang comment you don’t feel obligated to reply. Refer to the point above i.e to avoid human interactions as much as possible. Every time you rasa nak post, remind yourself that you don’t have anything to prove and that you don’t owe obligations to reveal yourself, unless you are ready to be exposed to human judgments which may interrupt your self-rejuvenate session
- pegi pantai or memana tempat tinggi layan view (read: layan perasaan/layan deep/reflect diri)
- try your very best to get close to Him. Tipu la if ada masa I tak rasa merajuk dengan Tuhan tapi pastu I cakap to myself “ala merajuk tu tanda nak manja dengan Tuhan, nak Tuhan pujuk” pastu nanti automatik sendiri akan rasa terpujuk. The next thing I know I will luahkan semuanya, marah, sedih, rajuk and if rasa nak nangis, nangis je. Let go semuanya sampai lega. Bila dah lega, mintak ampun dan belas kasihan Tuhan sebab merajuk mcm budak kecik nak perhatian, mintak Tuhan tetapkan hati dan mudahkan urusan. Yang penting, solat jangan tinggal dan seboleh mungkin solat awal waktu. I know it’s hard tapi I percaya yang if kita buat apa Allah suka, Allah akan jaga kita even waktu kita rasa merajuk ke nak jauh ke if kita cuba, Allah akan tarik kita balik dekat dengan Dia. Kita jugak yang untung. Hari2 jangan tinggal doa utk mak ayah untuk luaskan rezeki. Rajin lagi buat Dhuha. Ada masa pegi solat kat masjid pastu if tak lupa hulurkan sedekah kat tabung masjid. Zikir, istighfar dan selawat banyak2 bila ingat. Try it gais. Bila dah dapat connection dengan Allah tu, akan rasa Allah tu cukup dah untuk jaga kita melalui rezeki yang Dia salurkan untuk kita dalam macam-macam bentuk. Ada masa bila terhilang connection tu sebab penat diduga ke diuji ke, merajuk balik and the cycle continues. Jangan putus asa ok. Allah suka orang yang tak putus asa walaupun penat diuji. Allah tau kita penat. Bgtau je “Ya Allah, aku penat”. Tak tau la cara I tu betul ke salah sebab saya bukanlah ustazah, pakai tudung pun selempang kiri kanan lagi tapi tulah, kita cubalah ya.

I’m just sharing. Mana tau kot beneficial. As I mentioned earlier, lain orang lain cara. Ada banyak cara gais. Try and error to find ways that best suit yourself. The world is tough. Hidup ini penuh pancaroba. Tiba-tiba.

Good luck! ;)

The Happy Pill

"Iynas happy pill semua orang"

"Saya pegang one thing je, saya happy bila dengan awak"

The above were said to me recently when I was at my down point (that's why I ingat). Satu dari perempuan, satu dari lelaki. Guess sendiri la which one said by who. Haha.

Anyway, that's not the point.

Being described as a "social butterfly", "happy-go-lucky", "cheerful" is an honour. Seronok sebenarnya boleh buat orang happy. Tengok orang happy, kite pun happy. Nak pulak bila involve macam-macam aktiviti running, diving, hiking buatkan I kenal ramai orang dan kawan pun bertambah. Circle of friends grows.

I tau semua orang ada struggle masing-masing. So I appreciate bila pegi beraktiviti memana semua orang chill dan happy sebab masa tu la masing-masing nak lupakan masalah masing-masing buat sementara waktu.

Then as we go along, when there's a connection, we become closer. Stories were shared. Friendships and trust were build. So does love.

Without me realizing it, I hold myself responsible for the happiness of my lovely growing circle of friends, especially the ones whom I allow to stay in my heart. And the number is increasing. For those who knew me for quite some time, will know that I will try my very best to make myself available to those in need. I take it as my duty to offer them love, time, ears, encouragement etc just to make them feel better and boost their spirit to endure hardships and sadness in life.

At some point, my energy drains. I know I have to stop and need to rejuvenate myself. But I continue doing my "duty" with the belief that I will be happy in return.

But no. The happiness within me keeps on depleting. Conflicts happened one after another. I lost the ability to resolve the conflicts. I swallow the pain, calm myself to be patient. I'm hurt.

Then there's a guy gave me hope, offered me happiness. I was delighted. I was being extra careful but my heart being so stubborn. "You should try again, give yourself a chance, why not?" says my heart.

As expected, after a while, he came and said "No, I can't do it".

But it was too late. The heart betrayed its own master. I have let myself being hurt again. I have been disrespectful again to myself.

I started to think "Aku nie dihidupkan memang untuk kena game je ke?" "Teruk sangat ke aku nie?" and other worthless thoughts of myself. Oh please don't start on our purpose of life with Allah yada yada.

Koyak. Rabak. Lagi. Teruk.

I started to feel upset and doubt dengan semua orang. Apa yang orang cakap semua tak boleh pakai. Semua sembang. Yes, semua orang. Cukup-cukuplah acah caring pasal aku yada yada.

Just, stop.

I can't forgive myself.

I know I have to let it go to the ears of the people whom I love and trust. I know they will be there by my sides through my ups and downs. I know they will understand. I know. But this one is worse. I'm gonna throw my tantrum. I started to be heartless and selfish. I'll be super annoying. And it's not fair for them. They have been very patient with me all this while.

Dah la disrespecting myself, menyusahkan orang yang I sayang will make me even more angry at myself. I don't need me to feel more worthless of myself.

So before it getting worse and may ruin the friendship coz I will be just another toxic person that absorb other people's energy and time and yada yada, hence I can't forgive myself even more, please, just, stop.

Leave. Me. Alone.

I took drastic actions. I cut off myself and push people away. What I did and how I did it may not be fair and hurt other people as well but I don't care anymore. I need "me time". Just me and myself.

It worked.

It doesn't took me that long. I came back. But only to selected people whom I love unconditionally (well I hope I made the right decision). I took it as a test not only for me to re-filter my environment and surrounding, also vice versa.

I also realized my so-called comeback has been slightly different.

How different?

No more over-love, no more over-available, no more over-"duty".

I need to respect myself. As selfish as it may sound, I am my own happy pill.

A post of a...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

31 and single.

Certainly not something that I dream my life would be back when I was in my early 20s. My dream - at 31 years old, I already have a child. Or at least, married. Far from being desperate (if that's what lingers in your mind), I have always thought that having a child at an early age, then become your best friend when the child grows older is cool. Pengaruh cite Gilmore Girls kuat sangat nieh. Lol.

Having said that, this blog itself has reached 10 years old this year :-) *just for my note*

To state here that I pernah putus tunang more than one time is not something that I proud of, neither embarrassing at this point of time. The climax was in year 2015, where everything was running smoothly, until the rest became history and memory :-)

I am not a person who's easily giving up. But maybe this time, I just have to and let everything flows naturally. Putting my dream aside now, I'm thankful that within my two-recovery-year (where I push myself really hard sebab rasa marah sangat dengan diri sendiri yang lembik dan lemah), I berjaya prove to myself that I still am the same person who is not giving up so easily in achieving what I want. I may not be the top scorer, but I will never let myself down that easy.

Semoga Allah mudahkan urusan kita semua :)

p/s: this post was in my draft. I must have written this early this year. Just click publish without changing the title! I like it though. Sounds mysterious. Haha whatever.

The Transition Phase

I took my time to post this because I wanna be superly sure about how and what I feel now. This transition is kinda a big change for myself, hence I wanna share and document it here in my blog, when I thought the previous post will be my last post ever.

Dulu, I kurang faham bila orang cakap (especially bila yang cakap tu perempuan yang dah nak kahwin):-

"I tak ready nak tinggalkan my single life for marriage"

Hello. Marriage is a privilege kot. It's a sunnah. Untunglah dah ada suami pastu nanti dapat anak rasa complete hidup yada yada. What more bila perempuan kahwin awal, anak da besar nanti boleh jadi kawan. And I know I read somewhere antara tanda perempuan yang diberkati ialah kahwin awal. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Tapi itu dulu la. Pengalaman putus tunang tahun 2015 mengajar aku banyak benda. Kekuatan iman, kesabaran. Dendam yang tak pernah ada jadi ada. Perangai yang tak pernah ada jadi ada. Keinginan yang tak pernah ada jadi ada. Nak try smoking. Nak bukak tudung pergi clubbing. Orang bagi nasihat suruh bersyukur benda jadi sebelum kahwin pun rasa nak marah. Macam-macam. Rapuhnya iman. Don't get me started. Aku boleh bercerita non-stop. Koyak lukanya terlalu dalam. Apatah lagi bila takde proper closure. Ini bukan couple tau. Tunang. Another one step to marriage that I have been preparing myself for since my early 20s. Tunang dah melibatkan family. Apatah lagi bila pihak satu lagi yang effort lebih nak cepatkan perkahwinan bagai and yet cepat juga dia berlalu pergi (takde gaduh pun) dan mendapat pengganti. And when I asked what I did wrong he pushed me away and told me to figure myself out. Yes, don't get me started. Sebab sampai sekarang aku takde jawapan. Sampai sekarang aku tak faham apa yang jadi sebenarnya. Cuma yang aku faham sekarang nie hati manusia cepat berubah. Melangkaui janji dirinya sendiri. Aku cuba percaya dia dah buat sehabis baik. Again, don't get me started.

Aku berusaha selamatkan keadaan. Sayang is one thing. Commitment is another thing. Tapi lagi aku cuba, lagi teruk jadinya. Tak nak jumpa, kene block even by his family. Percubaan memujuk dan discuss melalui phone diakhiri dengan aku kene loudspeaker olehnya di hadapan kawan-kawannya. Pergh. What an experience. Sakit. Malu. Maruah aku dan keluarga bagai dicampak-campak. Keyakinan diri aku jatuh di tempat paling bawah. Sampai sekarang aku tak tahu apa salah aku. I must have been done something terrible that makes me deserve the experience. I have been told that I should be taking it easy coz nothing can challenge Allah's decree. Definitely I learned it through the hard way.

Aku percaya Allah tak kejam. Walaupun usaha aku nak selamatkan 'kami' tak jadi, aku berusaha selamatkan diri aku. Traveling, diving, running, hiking are some of the activities I do to pick up my own pieces. Almost every weekend full schedule. Non-stop. Orang lain tengok aku pun penat. Duit pun banyak habis. Tapi aku lagi rela melayan penat fizikal dari penat melayan emosi. Aku salute orang yang boleh tak melayan perasaan sangat nie. Korang memang kuat. I wonder how you girls do it. I even tried to get into new relationship sebab orang nasihatkan I that's one of the ways to move on. Few trials done but nothing work out. Siap melanggar prinsip diri sendiri buat the first move to confess. I mean, dah pernah koyak teruk so setakat kene reject over early confession apelah sangat. Yang penting I've tried. New experience kot. Nothing to lose kan. Lol. Yang takleh blah bukan sorang, tapi dua suami orang nak try I. Dugaan betul. Yang itu I tak nak try. Mohon dijauhkan.

The struggle was real. Alhamdulillah slowly I have found my peace. I survived my storms. Believe that with every hardship comes ease. Tak dapat apa yang kita nak is not a bad thing after all. Macam-macam lagi I belajar dari pengalaman nie. All praise is due to Allah.

I also learned that people deal with sadness differently. Don't judge. Maybe we can have separate private sharing session if wanna discuss about it.

Moving on, sekarang I da faham maksud enjoying my single life and no more looking forward to involve in any serious relationship whatsoever, even marriage. Because that's how I feel now. And it takes other people to tell me this in order to validate my transition phase (not just one person but a few people):-

"Jeles betul tengok Iynas nie. Setiap weekend ade je aktiviti. Ke sana sini aktif betul. I dulu macam you jugak tapi sejak kahwin nie payah nak lepas. Selagi muda, single dan sihat nie, buat la pape yang you nak buat."

Sebelum nie pun dah ramai orang cakap macam tu kat I, tapi sekarang I lebih faham dan lebih setuju.

Don't get me wrong. I bukan suka nak buat orang jeles dgn my life. Bukan juga nak promote single life is better or anything tp just to sedarkan myself that I should be thankful and grateful with what Allah has planned and decreed for me. He certainly knows the best. I dah boleh terima yang I dah breach my target to get married before reaching 30.

So what I meant with transition phase is that, after long years preparing myself for marriage, I don't give it a d*** anymore. Not for now. Currently busy investing in myself. More relax. No pressure.

Setakat main drama tu adalah. After all life is dull without drama. For me la the drama queen. Not sorry for that.

Yang dah kahwin enjoy cara kahwin. Yang single enjoy cara single. Allah blesses us in different ways. Dugaan pun lain-lain. Allah is fair. I believe in that :)